I sat here staring at this post for forever, wondering whether or not I should post this. My mind is racing. I've written a blog, erased it, closed it, returned days later... and here I am.
I haven't gotten too personal on here, but my heart is heavy and I'd like to share something.
This weekend marked the day of 4/20, and although this date means different things for different people... to me, it's the day my brother died.
Although it's been years since the accident, the pain and void, especially today, feel unbelievably raw and real.
Every year I write a tribute to my brother, and this is my first year with a blog, and what better place to share these feelings than here.
I still look for you.
Still.
Everywhere I go.
I look for your face, your smile, your eclectic style, your shaggy blonde hair, your charismatic persona, everything... as if you just ran away, as if we could just run into each other again, as if you're out there hiding somewhere, living a long happy life.
I'm still trying to find you,
And I'll never give up.
Every tall athletic boy I see hiding beneath a head of blonde locks, every boy playing guitar, every boy skateboarding with his friends,
I look to see if it's you.
But every time I look... it's not you.
And then I remember,
you are everywhere.
But I'll never stop looking.
I wrote that on the morning of April 20, 2018... Friday morning. I have spent the last 13 years trying to cope with my brothers death, trying to come to peace with it, trying to move forward, but I'm very much still pinned.
Have you ever had someone close to you pass, and you still look for them while you're out and about? Or maybe see someone that resembles them and you look closer to see if it's them? Or something reminds you of them and you intensely?
Death and mourning are both fascinating things with no timeline, rulebook, or guide; everyone handles death differently, I suppose we're all doing the best we know.
Happy 4/20, Andy, I love + miss you ♥️
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